the_comfortable_courtesan

[AMacD Commonplace Books, Volume 2, decrypted entry]

Extremity of felicity, that cast us both into slumber: a dangerous thing for though the door is ever well-secured, did I leave when the servants were already stirring it would, I fear, cause gossip within the household that could prove most damaging. Woken by mutterings and cries of fear beside me, and finding HL moving spasmodically supposed him in nightmare, gently shook him awake and he clutched on to me with an expression quite of terror until he realized where he was. O, he says, drawing me close, o, my dear. 'Twas the old dream, he goes on, that I am a very small boy just sent to Eton – he shudders, and says a little about this, which is most extreme shocking for me to hear - that the greatest in the land send their small sons to such a pit of barbarity and depravity such as I had never imagined. It makes the dominie’s tawse that punctuated my own education seem trivial by contrast. I put my arms about him and tell him that he is safe now (as if fellows such as we could ever be safe). My dear G, I say, I am sorry that you suffer this and that I cannot always be by to wake you, feeling for him a depth of affection I know not how to put into words. This brings me the realization that this has become far more than a rational arrangement betwixt us that enables the mutually agreeable indulgence of passions deemed criminal: at least, upon my side there is also quite a profound tenderness.