Waiting

[the_comfortable_courtesan]

It is most extreme tedious to find myself suffering from a severe cold, sneezing, coughing and feeling most miserable: but this has one advantage, that it is an excellent excuse not to admit Mr G-. I can see no such advantage to my aching teeth.

Seraphine, who looks very happy, makes me soothing warm drinks. I remark, in between coughs, that I daresay she begins to wean Julius. Oh no, madame, I cannot quite reconcile to it yet, for he still thrives on the breast, and Roberts does not mind. You know, I say and then sneeze mightily, that 'tis said that one child at breast will delay the coming of another: but I have heard that this cannot be relied upon. Seraphine indignantly denies having such a motive, only Julius's good. Perhaps this is not the moment to discourse to her of spunges &C.

Sure 'tis quite remarkable how she doats upon Julius, when I think what a sneaking monster his father prov'd. I wonder shall I feel thus once my own child is born, considering how much I love its father?

O, I do miss my darlings, but it cannot be right to fetch them all the way from the North simply because I am in the frets. It is altogether just as well that I cannot climb into the pigeon loft.

The weather is almost like spring do I look from the window, but there is a biting wind should I venture out. Tibby comes in, bobs, and lays on the table before me a little bunch of flowers. There are snowdrops in the woods, madame, I picked you some, also there are crocuses.

Thank you, Tibby, you are a good girl. Sure it must be tedious for you when I am in this state, for all I can be interested to wear is something that covers me and does not press upon me anywhere.

I am taking the time, she says, to make up some lotions and washes in the stillroom.

I can see I shall be making excellent report of you to Docket, say I.

O, thank you, madame. She half-turns, and then looks back and says, madame, was Mr MacD- offended by Euphemia's and my sauciness at Christmas? For although he was very civil when we apologised, we saw that he did not stay the whole twelve days and has not visited since.

Dear Tibby, I say, Mr MacD- left early because he had a Twelfth Night invitation from friends and we have not lately seen him because he is extreme busy (for indeed this is so, quite apart from my own demands upon his good offices). He did not at all take your conduct as an offence tho' he was somewhat startled at the time. But, I go on (for I do not wish to encourage any yearning after Sandy, though at least this would be a safe practice for silly young girls), do you and Euphemia meet no young men in the neighbourhood?

Tibby puts on a disdainful Docket-face. Oh yes, madame, there are those at chapel that offer to share hymn-books and walk us home, but even Prue can see that they are but countryfy'd boys and we have no notion to them.

Well, thinks I, mayhap better disdainful than romping in haystacks and hedgerows (or, as I did, under the stage amongst dusty costumes and properties).

Tibby goes and shortly comes in Prue with a glass of water for the flowers. She looks about the room and sets a few matters to rights before leaving. She comes on most remarkable now she can see properly.

I pick up the blank book that sits on the table. Sure, I think, perchance I should write my memoirs though I would not desire to put names in for vengeance or leave names out for remuneration, nor could I make it an edifying tale of repentance and dreadfull warnings of the consequences of sin. Indeed, were I to indite such a work it would have a message many would consider immoral if not entirely seditious against the laws of society, for, by a happy combination of prudence and good fortune, I cannot deny that I have done very well out of what the world calls sin. (I look about my pretty Surrey house and its gardens which perhaps do not show their best at present, but are very fine in season, also consider my excellent household that serves me so well, the pleasing competence I have accumulated, and my very dear friends and patrons.)

And pick up my pen and start to write.

Sure this is something that must never see the light of day, for I find that I cannot disclose my own secrets without also disclosing those of others, but I find it greatly relieving to my spirits to put it all down. For I have no confidante that I can trust to keep counsel were I to pour these matters into their ears. Miss G- was a wild reckless creature, but she was well able to maintain discretion and was never shockt, something I cannot find I could trust to in any other of my present circle.

Comments

[nenya_kanadka]

And thus the origins of the volume we see before us!

Poor Mme C-, with no friends to tell all to. Mrs F- might do for much of it, but is sadly far away...

Hurray for spring!