Maxims for a comfortable courtesan

I shall not say how, and why, at the age of 15 I became the mistress of the Earl of Craven, because I never had the kind of opportunities that Harriet Wilson wasted. However, at the age of 27 I fell in with a wealthy Northern ironmaster, whose generosity and sound financial advice have ensured me a comfortable old age without the need for blackmail, indeed with the ability to support a number of charitable enterprises for the benefit of some less fortunate sisters in the trade. This narrative sets out to encourage a rational and prudent approach to the profession of harlotry and to dispel the notion that a 'fallen woman' is bound to die in the gutter, penniless and diseased, before her 30th year.

Men love giving advice, and, should you ask them for it and then listen attentively (or at least with the plausible appearance of attention) they will find you to be a person of acute judgement and good sense. Certain gentlemen who at first barely noticed my existence found me curiously alluring once I had asked them to explain the rules of the new card game or what were the points of excellence of their racehorse. However, always endeavour to seek advice that will be of use to you: I have already mentioned my dear Mr F-'s prudent counsel on money (and indeed, were I called upon to manage an ironworks, think I should make a good fist of that), but Mr P-, the dramatic critic, rendered me capable of entering knowledgeably into any conversation on the theatre, while Lord G- R-, the noted dandy, had the happiest effects on my notions of dress and good style.

Is there anything more pleasant than a cozy teaparty with women friends, with the really good china and the really excellent tea from one's friend with East India connections? A chance to relax and gossip and talk over the new fashions and so on. Also to exchange important intelligence as to who is looking out for a new mistress, who has vicious tastes, who is unbearably miserly.

If some woman is being spoken of as your rival, you should always manifest great friendship towards her, whether or not she reciprocates. When talking of her, remark on her merits and how you wish you had 'such fine eyes' or 'so melodious a singing voice' or 'a figure to match hers'. This will give you the reputation of a beautifully generous and amiable nature; and should she slight you, she will merely look spiteful and envious.

As the author of that delightful work Pride and Prejudice puts it, 'it is a truth universally acknowledged', that clergymen have a positive mania for endeavouring to save the souls of members of the frail sisterhood, particularly the well-known and expensive ones. I can testify to having received such attentions from almost every kind of man of the cloth, from travelling Methodist preachers and meek stammering curates to an archbishop. I find an affecting tearfulness, and the application of a fine cambric handkerchief, along with references as to being the sole support of one's aging mother and an invalid sister with numerous children and a scoundrel deserting husband, and the means of educating one's brothers and nephews with a view to placing them in respectable situations, to answer very well.

Poets, however apparently attractive, are not a good idea. Any initial cachet you acquire from their besotted lyrics to your charms will be completely overturned the day they take a jealous fit and publish a satire on your hideous features, deformed figure, foul smell, and evil character. Also, I have never yet known a poet with money.

It goes without saying that in in a trade such as mine, one performs the rites of Venus in a pleasing and pleasurable fashion. However, what a woman can do outside the boudoir is equally if not more important: in the case of my dear Mr F-, I was able to provide him with assistance in mastering the social niceties and the vagaries of style. I was also able to provide him with valuable introductions among my connection, and indeed, so taken was Lord G- R- with Mr F- (who would have imagined milord to be as passionate about inland navigation as about the lie of his cravat?) that he even introduced him to his own tailor.

The manner in which I met and became attach'd to my dear Mr F-

Mr F-'s wife was a most excellent woman, who had borne him five healthy children, was a supreme housekeeper, and managed his business as if brought up to it while he was away. Alas, her last accouchement proved nearly mortal, and rather than lose such an admirable helpmeet, Mr F- foreswore conjugal pleasures until such season that this peril no longer threatened. Concerned as to the strain on his health of such restraint, she urged him to take a mistress, with the sole proviso that this should not become a matter of gossip in the locality.

I had not particularly wanted to go to Mr P-'s soiree, but since it was in honour of Miss A-, the young actress with whom he had become besotted, I felt it my duty to my pride to attend in order to indicate that I was in no way chagrined by this development. I even felt myself able to find something sincerely to commend in Miss A-'s performance, as peculiarly affecting in one particular scene. Shortly afterwards, Mr B-, the banker, begged leave to introduce his companion, a well-looking enough gentleman tho' somewhat provincial in style.

Mr F- (for 'twas he indeed) said that he had overheard my comment to Miss A-, and conveyed his opinion that although well enough for a new presence on the scene, she did not promise to be a second Siddons. Why, says I, even the incomparable Mrs S- does not always match her greatest heights. At which, we fell with great enthusiasm to discussing matters dramatique, and I found him to have a nice and discerning taste in such things.

Eventually Mr F- asked me, with a pleasing shyness, whether he might not call upon me within the next few days, before his return home. Since he was being taken into society by Mr B-, who is not noted for philanthropy and has only friends who are already wealthy, and preferably likely to become more so, I had no doubt that he was an acceptable suitor from that point of view. However, I already greatly liked him and was very agreeable to the prospect of extending our acquaintance.

Within two days Mr F- presented himself at my door, bearing a very pleasing gift of some fine Wedgewood china, a taste of mine I had happened to mention during our conversation at Mr P-'s soiree. We had a little idle conversation over the tea-cups, until he came to the point, remarking that he had received the highest opinions of my prudence and discretion as well as my abilities in the arts of Aphrodite from Mr B- and others, and was minded to come to an arrangement, describing the terms he proposed. Why, Mr F- (says I), I believe you to be an acute man of business, and I am sure that were you to intend buying a horse, you would not conclude the bargain without first trying its paces: which put him somewhat to the blush.

Recovering himself, Mr F- says that he does not need to start stoking up a furnace to know whether a batch of coal will be good for smelting (a comparison I understand to be drawn from his ironworks). At which moment I perceive that I will not need to bring out my portfolio of amusing French engravings or the copy of Aretino's Postures given to me by a Florentine diplomatist (who proved less hot-blooded than his nation are reputed) in order to pique his amorous propensities. Come, my dear, says I, standing and extending a hand, let us immediately consummate this agreement.

Surely, says I to Mr F- on his third visit to Town within the year, it is a needless and wasteful extravagance for you to take lodgings that you are hardly ever in, and be at the expense of maintaining a servant, when you could stay here in comfort. My manservant Hector, I knew, was capable of the basics of valeting, which would give him something to do besides creating flutters in the hearts and I feared other parts of maidservants in the surrounding streets, with his magnificent physique, fascinatingly dusky complexion, and flirtatious manner, since his duties as footman hardly took up all of his time. Well (says Mr F-), this is indeed a sensible suggestion and I perceive the advantages, but I should have to discuss it with Mrs F- first; whereupon he gave me to apprehend their situation.

A few weeks later, I received a letter in an unknown, strong yet feminine hand, which to my considerable astonishment was from Mrs F-, desiring me to know that she was only too obliged to have her mind set at rest over such matters as properly aired beds, decently laundered linen, regular meals, &C, while Mr F- was in Town, and that she would be further obliged if I would remind him to put on his muffler when the weather was inclement (by which I understood her not to be writing at his dictation). She sent a small compliment of some of her gooseberry jam and damson cheese, which she deemed her most successful preserves of the year, and some lotion for the face from an antient receipt of her grandmother's: though I wondered whether these were a gift like to that sent by Queen Eleanor to Fair Rosamund they were entirely wholesome and a testimony to her domestick skills. I returned the compliment with a package of Indian spices and some good tea, and desired her to let me know should there be any commissions I might undertake for her.

My good fortune is shared

It was at this period that I began to hold my informal yet select soirees. An elegant collation prepared by my cook Seraphine, a gaming table under the eye of my dear friend Miss G, who would prevent the play from becoming too high even, and particularly, when Sir B- W- was of the company, and music supplied by Miss L's delicate touch on the pianoforte and Miss McK's singing (my own musical talents being but modest). Miss McK, to the general astonishment, revealed the existence of an organ whose existence we had doubted, viz: Mr B-'s heart, when she touched it with her rendering of Scottish airs (such as as his late mother had sung over his cradle), with the happiest results for her in a very comfortable establishment.

Seraphine, my cook (a cousin of Hector's tho' somewhat lighter-complected, her mother, from whom she had learned her trade, having been a Frenchwoman), greatly approved of having in the house a gentleman who appreciated a good table set before him and gave generous evidence of this appreciation. She was also delighted at the chance to demonstrate her virtuosity in the culinary arts when preparing collations for my soirees, and this was one of the several reasons why I continued these even while Mr F- was not in Town. Her desire to continually improve her skills led her to beg me to ascertain if Mrs F- (whose damson cheese in particular had greatly impressed her) would consider an exchange of receipts, even offering her own precious method of preparing mutton kabobs in the Hindoostanee style, obtained of General Y-'s Hindoo cook, as part of the bargain.