Sure I can be as tedious as Mr N-

[the_comfortable_courtesan]

I confide that the drawing-room meeting for the orphanage has contriv’d to raise a deal of money for the enterprize, tho’ Mrs O- B- was kind enough to remark that sure it could not compare with mine, and she and her daughters are quite entire at my disposal do I purpose another.

Why, says I, I do indeed intend another one quite shortly for the work of the T-s in the antipodes.

This minds me that I should be about the business, in particular do I offer as an inducement to attend the renown’d singing of Titus, that is now so much in demand, so the morn finds me writing a deal of little notes. Sure I may not throw out the lure of Miss A-, for she remains in Harrogate and has most appreciative audiences there. But I am sure Meg will be delight’d to play the piano, and I daresay I might give some readings myself.

I also solicit items that may be raffl’d. I wonder might Miss S-, under concealment of anonymity of course, donate a copy of her poems, that are quite the sensation.

Comes Hector to say that Matt Johnson has call’d.

Do show him in, says I, and bring some fresh coffee.

Comes in Matt Johnson and we greet one another very amiable. I ask him how the business of catching malefactors goes. He sighs and says, if you catch one you may be sure that there are a dozen more go scot-free: but indeed, lately he has contriv’d to put away some shocking villains.

Celeste comes with coffee and some very fine fruit-cake.

Sure, says I, there is so much wick’dness in human nature that I doubt you would ever find yourself out of your place –

He smiles and says, MacD- will have it that the wick’dness lyes in the way society is constitut’d and were matters reform’d, why, we should see a deal less villainy.

May be so, says I, for I daresay there are those go about thro’ poverty to commit crimes entire to support themselves and their families.

'Tis so. But Hector says Your Ladyship had some matter you wisht investigat’d?

Indeed, says I. You may already have some acquaintance with one Molly Binns, a lady that resides in Covent Garden –

He nods.

- is maintain’d in an establishment by a fellow that gives himself out a Mr Perkins, and is suppos’d a nurseryman or some such in a good way of business. I happen’d to observe this gentlemen lately, when I was about visiting Dolly Mutton, that excellent woman, and I am like to suppose that he is not what he gives himself out as, but another fellow entirely.

'Twould, I fear, look somewhat particular did I go interrogate Mistress Binns myself, but I should be most exceeding gratefull could one go sound out the matter.

He laughs a little and says, sure Molly would be entire over-aw’d did Lady B-, that was once the fam’d Madame C- C-, call upon her and I doubt not would tell you whatever she thought you want’d to hear, whether 'twas the truth of the matter or no.

And if this fellow is the one I suppose him to be, I go on, I had rather he did not know that 'twas I that was about making inquiries.

Matt Johnson taps the side of his nose to signify discretion.

We look at one another with very good feeling. He rises and says he must be going to Bow Street, but will be about my matter as soon as maybe.

'Tis very good of you, says I.

He looks a little embarrass’d, but says nothing.

After he has gone I turn once more to my task, so that I may send Timothy about with these messages.

Once this business is dispatcht, and before I may be about it any further I must attend upon the responses. I am request’d to act the chaperone to Lady Anna, that has been invit’d to visit O- House, that will be her Town home does she marry the Marquess of O-. (I confide she would be entire happy to live with him in a cottage, but this is the next act in the little comedy we all go play.)

(I am like to think that, altho’ I had been given to suppose that I would be consider’d quite unfitt’d to act the chaperone, there are those that mind that one with Lady B-'s history will sure have a fine understanding of the wiles and tricks that fellows may be up to, and be able to sound a warning do they go about them.)

I go in my carriage to N- House, where Lady Anna is waiting entire ready.

As she gets in, she looks down at herself and says, sure, one might suppose her some fairytale heroine that is in rags.

’Tis not that bad, says I. And I do not suppose His Lordship likes you for your clothes: indeed, I do not take him for one of those fellows that pride themselves that they know a deal about ladies’ dress and constitute themselves arbiters of style.

Sure I think he is not, she says with a happy smile.

We come to O- House, where I see the Marquess waiting outside even tho’ 'tis a chilly afternoon. I hope they will remember to shake hands very proper and formal and show somewhat indifferent until we are within.

They do indeed contrive to look somewhat cold towards one another until we are inside, when they clasp hands and look exceeding delight’d to be remet. I daresay do I go turn my back or walk into another room there will be kisses.

Lady Anna looks around. His Lordship says very apologetick that there is indeed a deal to do before 'tis fit for habitation –

Fiddlesticks, says I, it is none that bad, one could live here in reasonable comfort once the chimneys had been swept and a fine new range put into the kitchen, but sure 'tis not furbisht as a man would desire the place to which he brings his bride.

He looks at her extreme doating and says, he would desire to furbish it as she should wish, and shall we go look at the samples Lady B- has been so kind to bring?

Oh, says Lady Ann, I know nothing about such matters, but Lady B-, you are given out as having such exquisite taste, might you be my advisor in the matter?

This is entirely to my taste, for I have develop’d considerable strong notions of my own about how the various chambers might be furbisht and look exceeding well.

So we go around with the various examples of paint and pattern-books of chintzes &C and sure they probably think me as entire tedious as Mr N- as I talk of the matter. I also say that I can put them in the way of some excellent polishes that will quite bring up the very fine wood of the tables and sideboards and other furnishings. And, I continue, I confide that some several of these very fine mirrors would benefit from re-silvering.

I also go expatiate upon the merits of fine modern ranges in kitchens. I do not think they mark a deal of what I say for they gaze into one another’s eyes, and hold hands.

When we have been into every room and chamber and along every corridor and gallery, His Lordship says in a somewhat daz’d fashion, do you write it all out for me, Lady B- (sure I have been keeping a tally in my little memorandum book) and advize me how I should go about putting the matter in hand. Tho’ indeed matters at D- Chase were badly out of order from my brother’s ill-health, sure I am not come to ruin and need not stint upon this business.

I mind me that I still have the names and directions of the workmen that did exceeding well about the furbishment of B- House, that I would quite happy put in the way of this work.

I convey Lady Anna back to N- House, and she beseeches me to come in and have tea with Mama. 'Tis entirely agreeable to me.

As we pass through the fine hall of N- House, Lady Anna says, somewhat loud, sure 'tis a fine big house and a good address, but did you not think it exceeding shabby within? And the furnishings very old-fashion’d. Would need a deal doing before one might even consider moving into it.

We go into her mother’s chamber, where she lies upon the chaise-longue with Selina kneading upon her breast.

Lady Anna goes kiss her. O, Mama, she says, 'tis a very fine house but needs a deal of work doing. Lady B- has kindly said she will advize on the matter.

Lady N- smiles, and then rings for tea.

Indeed, Lady N-, says I, I should desire to convoke with you about some of the matters to do with O- House.

Oh, she says, I live so out of Society, I have no notion what the latest fashions in decoration or furniture are.

Mayhap not, says I, but I confide that you have an eye and I have seen how very neat and pretty you arrange His Lordship’s hortus siccus. I am like to suppose that your opinions on the furbishment of O- House would be exceeding nice.

O, Mama, says Lady Anna, that would be the primest thing.

Well, she says, I will consider upon it.

Comments

[rmc28]

I think at least Lady B- is aware of the likely tedium induced in her listeners, but continues to go through the motions for acceptability.

(Hmm, unless Mr N- actually is aware, but privately amused / bloodyminded about continuing anyway.)

[kore]

Dear Lady B- telling the brand-new lovebirds what pattern and polish and brand of cooker (so to speak) would be best while they just trail around in an adorable daze has made my day, and here it's 2 in the morning.

[nineveh_uk]

Ah, Matt Johnson is back! Always a favourite of mine.

[em_h]

If I were a Yuletide participant, I would definitely be asking for Matt and Sandy solving crime ...