Some more decrypted passages

 [Much of the 12th volume of the Commonplace Books is of the character of a travel diary, consisting of notes of information and annotations of matters of interest concerning travel across France and Italy to Naples, a sojourn at Naples, with observations on agricultural improvements being undertaken by his host, and similar records of a leisurely return to England.]

In turmoil. Slumbers broken, nightmares when I do sleep, what have I done? G HL treats me with chill civility over any necessary business we are obliged to have dealings over. Perchance this sleepless state leads me into hallucinations: for I thought, passing Eliza Ferraby in the garden, holding Flora and Quintus by the hand, that she pushed them behind her and stood growling at me like unto a she-wolf defending her young.

Still shaken by Clorinda’s revelation. Indeed there seem no undesired repercussions from her act.

I am a great fool, for my greatest wish is to unburden myself of my frets to that dear sibyl’s wisdom. When I think of how she endeavoured to conceal that I must have grievously wounded her by a response to her heroic act – an act she must have found revolting and distasteful in the extreme – so cold and – oh, confess it! – lacking in a due sense of gratitude for a great menace lifted from us – it is foolish indeed to wish to throw myself upon her womanly sympathy as I so often have when in distress of mind.

Surely she can be in no risque is she in company with the Contessa – has not fled alone and friendless, even is she not attended by Hector. And yet –

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I must consider that the mind cannot always detach itself from the travails of the body, and I was very ill indeed crossing the Channel yesterday and am not yet fully recovered. This may account for my exceeding lowness of spirits and the phantasms my mind conjures up.

But indeed, I do not think I mistook the languishing looks Mr Geoffrey Merrett has been casting upon HL after he has praised his talent with the ribbons, when they have passed a bout with the foils, &C, and mayhap ‘tis my own jealous imagination that supposes –

Oh, write it and see that ‘tis ridiculous! That do I return with our dear sibyl, I shall find that Mr Merrett is entirely part of the fribble set, acknowledged by them as a most particular favourite of HL – perchance even invited to come reside at Raxdell House, does Lord Undersedge undertake to go furbish up that dreary mausoleum of a town house. And what shall you do then, eh, MacDonald? Is it so ridiculous? A very agreeable young fellow of his own station, that manifests passionate admiration, rather than jealousy and resentments: how should he not gain entire preference?

Or that I may not persuade her to return. That she will jeeringly laugh at me, and turn upon her heel.

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I fear that the ebullience of my mood upon the reconciliation with dear Clorinda – such generosity of spirit – such kindness – rendered me quite light-headed, even before we had sat down to dine and the consumption of a great quantity of Marcello’s exceedingly good wine followed by that strong fiery spirit grappa. This, perchance, entirely swept away any reluctance or hesitation I might have felt –

O, I delude myself. I was looking at Marcello and Alf and thinking what very well-set-up fellows they are, and considering that was a time when each of them had some notion towards myself, and sure I was by no means indifferent.

Even so, I was considerable startled to discover Alf’s hand upon my thigh, as he smiled very beguiling at me, and Marcello looked at both of us in a very ardent manner. And somehow, this led to carnal embraces such as I could never had imagined – or, to be entire honest, that I might have imagined, for there were scenes of a similar nature on some of the pots acquired by the late Marquess, but I could scarcely have figured myself as a participant in such a scene.

Cannot deny, that there was a deal of carnal gratification in the matter.

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I must grant that it greatly soothes my spirits to find myself in receipt of such amorous attentions – and indeed, to find myself bestowing the same – and there is a deal of pleasure in the matter.  But –

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This masquerade of marriage, though doubtless very prudent, provides entirely too much occasion to find myself sobbing in most unmanly fashion upon Clorinda’s bosom. And while I cannot but admire her fine womanly sympathy in my travails – most especial when I consider that her own spirits must be troubled by the desire to return to her dearly loved ones and the slowness of our progress – I am also given to fear that I become quite tiresome to her. For I recollect that once, when I said that following her elevation she must be exceeding glad to be relieved of the carnal demands of her former trade, she smiled most mischievous and said, sure that was naught to having to listen with great attentiveness to fellows a-talking of themselves and their affairs. I had supposed that she alluded to such as Nixon prosing on or Pargiter voicing his opinions, or those of the fribble set discoursing of horses or cricket, mayhap the ovine bleatings of Pottleby: but I am led to a consideration that her immense sympathy of manner must have led to many confidences and perchance bewailing of unfortunate circumstances, that required a deal of feminine soothing, and not merely an agreeable listening expression.

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I have several times endeavoured to start writing and been obliged to pause, lest I dew the page with my tears. The generosity – the kindness – the entire welcome I received entirely beyond my deserts. The sight of that dear face, quite lighting up with joy when he saw I was returned. No recrimination, no condemnation –

His confession of his self-recriminations, blaming himself for leaving the weapon with Clorinda, and having the direst imaginings of all the ways her endeavour might have come to an entire more adverse end –

My confession of my own shock at the sense of relief I felt at the knowledge that that fellow and the threats he posed were gone –

That had put us each into an entire confusion of emotions that had led to that dreadful falling-out.

There may be certain disclosures to make of matters that befell during our separation, but, indeed, we seem now in a restored mutual dedication.