An exceeding horrid thing

As I take a nice little breakfast I go to read Mr L-'s newspaper, which comes on very nicely. He writes good strong leaders, that do not go so far as to have him arrest’d for sedition. There is a pleasing piece by Miss N- about phaenomena in the night sky at this season. There are some poems, that I think by no means the equal of those of Miss S-'s that I have perchanc’d to peruse; and I go wonder whether one might persuade her to publication even does she do so as Anonyma.

I meditate upon this visit I go make to B- House, and decide that 'twould be better to take Hector to attend me rather than Timothy: this is like to give me somewhat more consequence am I oblig’d to deal with any workmen. Also I mind that Hector saw the place when it was in a most extreme desperate state of disrepair, and may see matters that I do not that still require attending to.

As we drive over there I ask Hector whether the mews cottage continues to answer. He says indeed it does, Your Ladyship, and young Nell is now getting into the way of good practices.

He goes on to say he does not know whether Euphemia has yet open’d to me that she has heard much from Seraphine about the fine ice-house that there is at A-, and that she goes about to have one put in at R- House: and she is very wishfull that we might have the like.

Sure, says I, I have seen the one at A- and heard Seraphine quite sing its praises, and indeed in weather like this 'twould be an entire boon, but I know not whether 'twould be practicable. Do you go look into the matter, and I will consider upon it.

We arrive at B- House and Hector precedes me up to the front door. There is a fellow there that acts as watchman and caretaker and says that there are some fellows that are about repairing the floors in the attics, now that the roof is mend’d and no longer lets in water every time it offers to rain.

Hector offers that he will go speak to them and find out what more needs to do, and My Ladyship will go cast an eye over the parts of the house where the work is already complet’d, or should be.

The caretaker fellow says he will show him up, and I go look about the various fine rooms that indeed show a deal better than when I first came here with Belinda and 'twas in an entire parlous state of filth and disrepair. There are fine new panes of glass in the windows where once 'twas crack’d or broken, and all clean’d and polisht. Sure there is a matter need’d of curtains, for I daresay that those that have been taken down will be quite deteriorat’d from dirt and damp and moth.

Also one is no longer like to fall thro’ the floor.

I go from room to room and come to the fine first floor reception room. 'Tis still somewhat of a sad sight, for at some time 'twas done out with exceeding fine wallpaper in the chinoiserie style, but indeed, I do not think that this might be recover’d by cleaning: 'tis a great pity. I go look at some parts that are not blotcht with damp or stain’d with mould, and sure it must have made a most excellent fine show.

I am peering more closely to see can I make out the various quaint scenes, when I catch a little scurrying movement out of the corner of my eye.

O, I think with a start, pray tell me there are not rats about the place? Sure they must have had a good ratting before they set to work: but I daresay there are some still make their way in. Perchance one should see can one get a cat to live here?

I turn around.

'Twas not a rat.

'Tis a man, that moves in a scurrying scuttling fashion into the room, by fits and starts, very furtive and creeping, head duckt but twitches from side to side peeping about.

'Tis quite exceeding horrid.

At first I think 'tis some beggar or such creeps into the house in hopes of shelter, for 'tis somewhat roughly dresst in torn garments.

And then I go recognize it.

Tho’ he comports himself so very different from when I last saw him, that was in Surrey when I was being churcht after bearing my sweet angel Flora, when he bore himself high and pompous in the pride of his office, 'tis the quondam Reverend Mr G-, now the Marquess of B-, that should be safe in the fine madhouse for the quality in Sussex.

He crouches down beside the wall and peeps up at me under his unkempt hair and croaks out, Who are you that comes in my fine house?

I am, says I, Lady B-.

He stands up a little straighter and says in tones of terror, No, you are not! you are not that undutyfull b---h, I am not mad, you will not deceive me thus.

Then he stands up a little more and looks at me more attentive and says, No, no, 'tis that w---e Mrs C-, that gave herself out marry’d to a sea-captain and entertain’d gentlemen - (he says some more but 'tis most exceeding coarseness).

And then he curls up upon himself and says, No, no, it cannot be, 'tis a delusion of wishfullness, do I cover my eyes a little the trollop will vanish quite.

He crouches down with his hands over his face, rocking from side to side.

I stand stock still, quite frozen in apprehension of what may come happen. I step very carefull, my back to the wall, in the direction of the door. I do not want to shout out, for fear 'twill rouse him to some violent act.

And then he puts down his hands and peeps up and says, Still there, phantasm? Must I come prove you immaterial? And then comes creeping towards me.

O, I am in quite extreme terror. I do not want him to touch me and find me material, for I doubt not he will go about to become violent as he did when dear Belinda denounc’d him as he endeavour’d to commit bigamy. I continue to move very slowly towards the door.

Comes in at the door Hector, saying something about the work in the attics, takes in the scene before him, crosses the room in two strides, takes hold of Mr G-'s collar, pulls him around and punches him exceeding hard, so that he falls down unconscious.

My legs become weak, I slide down the wall to sit leaning against it, and shake with a hysterickal paroxysm.

Hector comes over, kneels by me, and finds my reticule that lyes beside me where I dropt it. He takes out my smelling-bottle and holds it under my nose until I am restor’d somewhat to myself.

Your Ladyship! Did he harm you?

I shake my head. No, says I, but I had no confidence that he would not did he succeed to lay hands upon me.

Hector calls for the watchman and asks him to bring rope. He says to him that he will go convey this fellow to the bridewell, for he is clearly some vagrant that has crept in to find shelter, or mayhap see was there anything he might steal while the household was distract’d.

The watchman makes very apologetick – usually he will make sure the front door is firm clos’d, but 'tis so stuffy the day that he left it ajar to catch the breeze, for fear that Her Ladyship might feel herself faint. He looks down and says, A very low coarse fellow, how he smells.

I waft my smelling-bottle under my nose. I totter to my feet and say, indeed, I must go home, sure I am entire overset with the fright.

As we go out to my carriage, Hector asks in an undertone should I object to have this foul bundle along with us while we contrive what to do with him?

O, says I, I daresay I shall manage do I keep my smelling-bottle about me. But, says I taking further thought, I do not think we should bestow him in our own cellar while Mr Q- goes inform the madhouse-keepers.

That is a prudent thought, Your Ladyship, but what shall we do with him?

Why, I do not suppose Mr Q- keeps a cell handy in Lincoln’s Inn for malefactors, alas.

O, says I, sure the fellow is an escapt lunatick. I confide that Bedlam would give him hospitality, or at least a stout straitjacket, until his keepers come reclaim him. But, I go on, do you take me home first, for the less I am connect’d with this matter, the better.

True, Your Ladyship. I will say merely that he contriv’d to make his way into the house, where he had been living in filth and squalor before he was clappt up safe, and that I go inform Lady B-‘s attorney.

O, Hector, says I, somewhat tearfull, sure I do not know what I should do without you.

Your Ladyship has been very good to me and to the rest of our household, he says. 'Twould be entire shocking did I not show myself sensible of the matter.

Even so, says I, I daresay in other places you would have less in the way of alarums and excursions.

Sure, Your Ladyship, says Hector with an exceeding straight face, that would be extreme dull.

He then adds that sure 'twas most gratifying to punch the fellow at last as he had long’d to do when we were in Surrey.

A note from your amanuensis

There is a (hopefully brief) hiatus coming up, but also likely to be another consolidated volume in the not too distant future.