Sure I can make up a different tale

I am about my correspondence – sure I can almost see an end to the matter for the while – when Hector shows in Sandy, that is follow’d most expeditious by Celeste with coffee and scones.

Well, my dear, says I, having pour’d coffee, I confide that we need worry no more that we will be found to be concealing Herr P-, for I have reliable intelligence that he depart’d from the U-s in Surrey after a very brief sojourn, bound for Bristol to take ship for America.

I cannot prevent my lips from twitching as I continue, has been invit’d by some fellows that have read his book on the ideal society and desire to establish a settlement that will put the matter into practice.

Sandy snorts and says, sure he has read that book, and it all sounds very fine, but that he is like to suppose that Herr P- has not ever convok’d with any member of the other sex or one that has been about matters of housekeeping at all about his plans: and sure he doubts that Herr P- has had much to do with children, altho’ he writes very touching of their growing up in Nature &C. He has only to look out and see the nursery-set that rampage about the garden to observe that 'tis no such simple matter as Herr P- supposes.

Also, he adds, that he does not find the notions entire original: 'tis not dissimilar from pantisocracy.

I pour him some more coffee and open to him the matter of the living and how would one go about presenting the worthy fellow L- to it.

Sandy looks most intrigu’d at hearing of this fine scholar but I remark that I daresay he will still be recogniz’d in the parish as the sea-captain’s friend from the time when Mrs C- was in residence, so I think it ill-adviz’d to go visit.

He sighs somewhat and then says, he confides that one would need to apply to the Bishop of Winchester, that must have some ecclesiastickal understrapper to deal with such matters. He dares say G- will have some acquaintance with him from the Lords, and might ask him for intelligence upon the subject.

He takes a scone and eats it with a thoughtfull expression and then says, dearest C-, I can tell from your expression that you anticipate that I will shortly be about condemning the shocking stranglehold of the Establisht Church, but I confide that you have heard it before, so I will refrain.

And indeed I agree with you in all particulars! says I, you need not go about to convince me.

My dear C-, I am put in the greatest perturbation of mind do you concede to having been convinc’d by my arguments and fear that this is merely the prelude to an elaborate teaze you put on hand.

No, indeed, o best of belli scozzesi!

He looks at me for a moment and says that I clearly have some matter on hand and while he has no experience of what are call’d womanly wiles he is increasingly of an opinion that I go about to work them upon him, for some reason he has no doubt I will shortly disclose.

I fold my hands in my lap and look at him somewhat thoughtfull. I am much reliev’d, I say, that Herr P- is remov’d from play, for indeed that gave me some concern about how to go about this matter.

We are appriz’d, says I, that Herr F- has been about telling a tale – a tale which indeed tempts me to the inauspicious matter of quoting from the Scottish Play - sure, Mr MacD-, you may tell me all you like that 'tis a mere superstition that should not bother a rational person, but I was bred in the theatre and 'tis second nature to check myself before I do so – a tale of which we do not know the full details, but I think I am capable of a surmize or two, concerning its nature.

He has been about telling his compatriots – or perchance merely the Graf von M- - this remarkable tale that Dowager Lady B- and her circle are part of a secret society of international revolutionaries and that his dealings with the worn-out meretrix were to gain further intelligence of the matter: or some such. Tho’, as you have remarkt, matters in Bavaria are by no means quite as bad as some other parts –

Sure, says Sandy, are there not at present shocking impositions upon the traditions of liberty in this realm? G- is ever beseeching me to caution in my goings-about.

- nevertheless, I daresay there are those that consider that the reforms in Bavaria go too slow, and that power still remains very much with the monarchy, &C, and would desire to change matters.

The dear Contessa, says I, gives it out that in earlier years the Graf was a fine revolutionary fellow: perchance he needs to prove himself a strong adherent of the present regime, by bringing them a gang of conspirators as a cat will lay mice upon the doorstep, in return for a saucer of milk – by which, I add, I mean preference, for I doubt not that the Graf is ambitious.

So Herr F- tells the Graf this story, which sure casts him in a most patriotick light, and shows him a deal better than the truth of his coarse lecherous proceedings and scandalmongering, that he has been about to try and discover more about this secret society and in particular their dealings with Bavarian revolutionaries, and that this is why he was set upon.

Really! says Sandy, were we a set of desperate revolutionary conspirators, surely 'twould have been some matter such as a stiletto in an alley, not a horse-whipping. For were we an international society, I daresay we would have Italian assassins at our disposal for such work.

Sure, Sandy, oft I am given to wonder that you do not try your own hand at a Gothick novel!

But, I go on, this farrago was communicat’d by one that, for reasons of diplomacy, was given out and reported as a lunatick.

Sandy begins to smile. O, he says, I see where Madame Nemesis begins to lead on this. Can be put about that the Graf goes prying about -

- Not only into the business of a certain lady of rank and her set, but that of respectable persons of his own nation that have come seek their fortune in London Town –

- following a will 'o the wisp born of the wild delusions of a madman.

His smile ceases. Perchance, to give the tale more credence, it should be mention’d that 'twas not mere chance that ‘twas Lady B- that the wretch was about shooting?

Indeed, my dear, I think we should have to, and mayhap imply that there was a matter of thwart’d love behind.

But, I go on, more serious, dear Sandy, I know that you have many connexions among those that publish sedition and scandal, and I am like to think that that is the means by which we can get our tale into circulation. Indeed, in my mind’s eye I can see a coarse Holywell Street satirickal print, that shows one that will be known as a German by the representation of how he speaks, that is peeking and prying, and perchance, looking up a lady’s skirts or peering down into her bosom to see does she have some agitator conceal’d there.

Sandy laughs. One might commence, he says, with something like The shocking case of the Bavarian lunatick that ran into Hyde Park with a pistol and near slew a fair equestrienne, that was saved only by her skills as a horsewoman –

I aim a kick at him.

- has not yet been forgotten. And then continue along the lines that there is one, that has connexions with the Embassy, that has taken the inventions of a craz’d mind –

Slanderous inventions, says I.

- as a serious report, and goes about to pester persons of rank and reputation, respectable hard-working musicians and tutors, &C, to go prove this phantasm of a sickly brain.

Indeed, I add, I think it would not be inauspicious to bring in those fine lines of the Bard in the Scottish Play. Once this was put about, I confide that there would be some several that would cry aha! and mind them of a most curious conversation they had at the Bavarians’ ball or upon some other occasion.

However, says I, I would not have you put yourself in any danger to put this matter in hand. Sure Milord would never forgive me, and indeed, I am very fond of you myself.

Sandy puts on the dour Calvinistickal glare and says that we should have some confidence that he knows what he is about and has no desire to be transport’d, even did that present the fine thought of playing chess with Mrs T- and Miss N- once he was in the antipodes. He is ever prudent and discreet.

I do not doubt it, my dear (but nonetheless I purpose seeing can I speak to Matt Johnson on the matter and find out what danger there might be, tho’ he is concern’d with common criminals that rob or kill and not politickal matters, which I am in some suspicion he regards much like the concerns of the Vice Society, as a distraction from the business of catching real wrongdoers).

Sandy says do I provide him with pen and paper he will about the matter at once, for he confides that a certain acclaim’d writer of horrid tales will be able to advize him on how to make the account exceeding telling.

I do as he desires, and ring for Hector to go fetch more coffee.