I must be mistress in my own household

After considering over the matter, I come to a conclusion that there are times when I must be mistress in my own household and that 'tis not a time when I may go about indirect, much as I should desire to. I sigh greatly at this thought, for I fear it may cause ill-feeling 'twixt myself and one that has serv’d me with most extreme loyalty for many years.

But indeed Ajax has present’d me the matter in such a way that I confide that there is not one particular matter that troubles Hector, but the prospect of the various changes this new state might bring about, that he is unable to foresee. I do not suppose 'twill be necessary to touch upon any matters that 'twould be somewhat improper to discuss, but to present the thing in general form.

So, with a feeling of great reluctance, I summon Hector to me one morning.

Hector, says I, you have been in my household these many years, and sure there has never been any reason to complain of the manner in which you discharg’d your duties, indeed, I am much envy’d for having the benefit of your services. The good practices you encourage are an entire pattern.

But, I continue, I confide that you yourself would consider it not at all in keeping with the good practices of the household was one going about to cause a feeling that all was not in order as it should be, that there was an uneasyness and a feeling of uncertainty come about the place.

Hector, says I, sure even do I desire to be mistress in my own household this should not extend as far as telling my people when they should or should not marry or to whom they should contract themselves. Sure that would approximate to a condition of slavery.

However, I go on, inasmuch as you already intend honourable matrimony unto Euphemia, I should be most greatly oblig’d did you go about this as soon as maybe or at least name a date for the business to take place, for the present unsettl’d state of affairs is greatly upsetting the household.

I daresay that you are in great dislike to having the banns and the ceremony in the parish church, for indeed I have no opinion of Mr A- myself, that thinks I must have forgot his sermons about scarlet women &C in earlier days. But you will recall that we contriv’d that Seraphine and Roberts did not have to suffer Mr G-, and I am like to suppose that we may undertake some similar contrivance.

Also, I do not suppose that the household would fall into entire disorder did you go away upon a wedding trip: sure 'twould be a most adverse reflection upon the good practices you have inculcat’d to imagine that it would. Was your hand remov’d, I do not think that we should immediate see scenes of riot and debauchery belowstairs, even did I take the opportunity myself to, as it might be, go visit 'tother Lady B- in Northamptonshire.

I pause, but Hector says nothing and I can tell nothing from his expression.

Sure, says I, changes are very worrysome things but having had quite several of those myself, 'tis entire possible to survive them. Was I not almost in entire despair when I discover’d myself to be with child, and did not all fall out exceeding well? Is not Flora the delight of my heart? Does she not have a quite admirable family? Sure I could never have imagin’d how matters would come about.

Indeed, I go on, I was very much in the frets concerning my marriage and its sequel of widowhood: I could never had anticipat’d my present state.

Hector clears his throat and says, indeed My Ladyship presents very telling arguments. But - he swallows – I have concerns as to whether I would be doing the right thing by Euphemia. Sure I have been long a bachelor and I do not know how I should deal as a husband -

Hector, says I, you speak as if you were some worn-out fellow well on in middle years, that goes about to marry some fresh young thing. By my reckoning you are no older than most men when they find themselves in a position to wed, and younger than some. And furthermore, I – and indeed the entire household – have seen you with Euphemia and observ’d the extremity of your affection for her. I cannot suppose that you will turn out some fairytale monster or Gothick villain once you have the name of husband. And Euphemia is a young woman with a mind of her own: I confide she would not be beguil’d with deceptive promises.

Hector of a sudden smiles and says, she is indeed that.

And she has fixt that mind upon you. I take a little thought, and then say, It has ever seem’d to me one of the prettiest things about the better members of the masculine sex - though sure there are many sad rascals and rogues and outright villains – that they will ever be in a fret when they come to marry that they are not worthy of the most excellent female that their heart is set upon. 'Tis most exceeding common that they are in great doubt whether she should entrust her happyness to their hands, but 'tis quite the best sign that she should. I have no opinion whatsoever of any fellow that supposes he is God’s gift and that a woman should be down on her knees in thankfullness to get him.

Hector looks at me and says that I hit off the doubt quite exact. Indeed Roberts, that he had some converse with on the matter, disclos’d that he had had quite the like feeling about marrying Seraphine.

'Twas particular pretty in him, I remark, for there are fellows that suppose that they do a favour do they condescend to marry a woman that has a bastard child – sure altho’ my stepfather was ever dutyfull and kind towards me, sometimes in his cups he would say things that gave me to suppose he felt somewhat of the kind.

Hector looks at me and says, Thank you, Your Ladyship, I apprehend that I should go convoke with Euphemia about setting a date. And was it possible to contrive that we were not marry’d by Mr A-, I think we should both be exceeding gratefull.

I will go conclave with Mr MacD- on the matter, I say, and you may go speak to Euphemia as soon as maybe.

He leaves the room and a few moments later there is a loud shriek that can sure be heard thro’out the house and quite possible in the next street.

Dorcas comes knock upon the parlour door to tell me I need not trouble myself over the disturbance, 'twas Euphemia that Hector finally askt to name a day.

Matters in the household are therefore perchance not quite in their usual order that afternoon when comes to call upon me the Graf von M-. (Sure he is not letting the grass grow beneath his feet.)

However, Celeste comes quite prompt upon the occasion with tea in the best service, tho’ I observe that she is only with difficulty suppressing a grin.

I pour tea and make a little polite conversation.

After we have both drunk a first cup, he clears his throat and says he hears that I collect china and takes the liberty of presenting me with rather a fine piece to add to it.

I should greatly like to see what 'tis, for I have all the curiosity of our foremother Eve, but I smile at him and say that I am no longer adding to my china cabinet. (For indeed I suppose this to be a quite different case to Sebastian K-'s innocent offering.)

He looks somewhat crestfallen at this.

He then rallies, and says, Can this be? A lady of your exceeding charms, 'twould be an immense shame were they not to be enjoy’d.

I pick up my fan, tap it against my hand, open it and wave it about a little and then say, still smiling, that I do not know how such matters go in Bavaria, but in London Society a lady in my position must conduct herself with discretion. In particular, I add, a lady with my history must be most particular carefull. (I am like to suppose that, altho’ he has certainly heard a deal about me, he is not appriz’d of my suppos’d extreme discreet liaison with Milord, for had he heard of that he would surely also have heard of Milord’s deadly skills with sword and pistol.)

And you do not think of a second marriage?

I give a wistfull smile and say, sure 'twould be extreme difficult to find another such husband as my dear late Marquess, with the air of one who may become tearfull at the thought. We were so extreme well-suit’d. (Indeed 'tis no lie.)

He smiles at me and says sure 'twould be unchivalrous to press his suit at present, but hopes that he need not utterly despair.

I make some reply of a great vagueness, which I daresay he will find much more encouraging than 'tis intend’d, but I do not wish to put him off too definite, but to give him such hopes that he will speak well of me and go about to contest Herr F-'s slanderous tale.

He kisses my hand most elegant upon departing.